Letter of Truth

In 2006, you had a little girl and you named her Tiana. You chose that name because God showed it to you in a dream, right? Is that when you began to love her so much? How did you come to love everything about her, even her flaws? I want to know when you fell in love. What is it about her that makes her so special, and not me? Don’t get me wrong, I know you love me too. It’s obvious though by your actions that you still miss your little girl. Just like you say, “actions speak louder than words.” You forget my name and call hers instead. It’s been over a year and you still haven’t learned my name, while it took everyone else only weeks.

I know you’re hurting, and I know you’re still mourning about the fact that Tiana is no more. I know you loved her dearly, and you definitely did not expect her to leave so soon. I can tell that your mourning has made you silent. You talk to me as if everything is normal, but I can tell it’s not the same as if she was still here. I know you’re hiding behind silence. I know it because you’re also trying to hide the truth, that you wish I were her. You wish I were Tiana. The thing is, no matter what I do, it’s just not possible. Tiana and I are so different. We have different styles, different food tastes, and different goals and ambitions. Yet, we still have some similarities in our personality and humor. That’s because we were raised by you, the best of the best. But I think that’s also what’s making you hurt even more. After all, how was it that we were so similar and yet so different at the same time?

Even though you were the one mourning, you weren’t the only one who was hiding behind the silence. I was too. After all, if you were going to choose to be silent, how could I not play along? I wanted to close you off from my emotions completely. Everyone was allowed access to my emotions except for you. But now, I believe it’s time to break the silence and tell you about everything.

When Tiana was gone at first, I hated her with a passion. I wanted to avoid everything about her, any photos or memories. She reminded me of when we were truly open with each other, no matter what. I was jealous. After a while, things started to quickly change. My attitude towards Tiana wasn’t the same, I was growing to accept who she was. My pride was too big to admit it though, and with that plus the fact that I was still hiding behind that silence, it just didn’t make a good mix. The truth behind the silence then was that I actually liked Tiana. Just a little.

I specifically liked her femininity, which is strange because I had always wanted to be perceived as masculine for so long. Again, the pride and the silence made me silent around you. However, I took time to learn more about Tiana through the memories. I could acknowledge how wise she had made me through all her own mistakes. There was something about the nostalgia that made me love her. Around the same time, you finally started to come around. You actually tried to call me by the right name and the right pronouns. Although, I’m still not sure to this day if you had actually learned to accept me, or if you were hiding under the facade of acceptance in order to just have a relationship with me. I’m hoping it’s the former though, as I noticed you started to confront things head-on instead of hiding behind the silence. Now that I am not afraid anymore, I can tell you the complete and utter Truth.

I’m so sorry that I made you go through such a scary and confusing time. It must be hard to see your daughter go, and some random child come in. Especially because for the longest time, it had been you and Tiana against the world. I understand now that you’re trying your best to understand and I should be brave and face things head-on. After all, you definitely did not raise me to be a coward. Tiana was never gone to begin with. Taye is here now, but Tiana still lives on through me. We may be different in many ways, but our memories are still the same. I am still the same. Tiana and Taye are one.

With Love,

Taye

(formerly known: Tiana)